Grieving the Life We Never Got to Unfold: Finding Hope and Healing

Oct 8

"The hardest part is not just the absence, but the void of tomorrow’s we planned but will never see."

How often do you dream about the future? For me, I find myself dreaming about the future more often than you’d think. Sometimes with exciting plans, or sometimes with worries about what the future will bring. I bet we both dream about upcoming plans in the immediate future, about big celebrations like graduations and weddings, and about major choices and where those choices will take us. The special people in our lives make up a large part of these plans, and we assume our loved ones will be there in our future experiencing life with us. But sometimes the unimaginable happens… a loss of a loved one. Someone we wanted to share these big moments with and celebrate our victories with. Someone we didn’t think in our wildest dreams would leave us so soon, as we planned to spend the rest of our lives with them. Losing them stops us in our tracks and forces us to reevaluate our future. We question how we can ever go on without them, how we are supposed to celebrate anything when they are gone. Will we ever be happy again?

What may be hard to believe right now, is that you can and will go on. You can and will celebrate and plan and travel and explore. You will keep going, all with your loved one holding a special place in your heart. They will always be tucked right inside that special place and go with you everywhere you go. They will provide comfort in knowing they’re with you, seeing what you see and feeling what you feel. I know it’s hard and may seem completely impossible to believe now, but I promise you, from someone who has walked through my own grief journey, you will be ok. You will fall right back into your daily life, not forgetting, but remembering. If there is one thing I can help you with, it will be to show you that you are not alone in this journey and you will prevail.

My goal in this post is to help you find tangible ways to help you process and work through your grief journey. I hope this helps…

Grieving an ‘Unlived Life’

When we experience the loss of a loved one, there is a rush of deep sadness. Sadness for so many things. For example, grieving the life we never got to unfold and realizing the big moments in life coming up, we have to do without our loved one. It feels like all the plans we set up for the future arn’t worth it anymore. We feel a sense of dread even having to think about what we’re doing tomorrow, let alone what we will be doing in years to come. We haven’t just lost the person, but also our imagined futures.

I lost my mother, Linda, almost 3 years ago. She was such a beautiful soul and was loved by so many! Things were not always great during my childhood, but one thing I know without a shadow of a doubt is how much she loved my brother and I. When I had my daughter, in 2012 my mother blossomed. She was more of a grandmother than I could ever have asked for. My daughter and mother were inseparable. Their bond made my heart swell and helped me process and let go of some of the trauma I faced as a child. When my mother passed, my daughter was 7 years old. My daughter lost her best friend. Truthfully for me, I still to this day grieve the life I imagined for the two of them. I imagined my mother being there for all of her big moments, like the time she made the softball All Star team, and the time she started middle school or when she has her first crush. I have even imagined my mother at my daughter’s wedding doing everything she can to make it the most special day for her. It has been almost 3 years and I still get a sinking feeling and tear swollen eyes thinking about this…cue the crying… But then I wipe my tears and keep going. It’s not easy, it’s truthfully really hard, but I remember that I am still here on this earth and have a child to raise. I do my best to hold my mother in my heart and share these special moments with her. I make sure to always talk about grandma with her and we laugh and remember all the great times. Then we see the light of our future and know that we are doing the best we can and will continue to do so for as long as we are living. We know it is what my mother would have wanted for both of us.

What I want you to take from this story is that your feelings are valid. We all have them. We all feel hopeless and empty at times. We all feel like we don’t want to keep going without our loved one. And it’s ok to feel that way. There’s no if, and’s or but’s about it, it is normal to feel these feelings. There is no right or wrong way to feel them either. You need to know you are ok, and eventually through time, support and hopefully my help, you will feel strong again. You will feel a sense of liveliness that you thought was gone forever. I promise, it will come.

Practical Steps to help you work through your emotions

The times we are experiencing deep sadness, we don’t feel like doing anything. All we want to do is lie in bed and cry and be alone. However, when you do find yourself in moments of reflection or downtime and are looking to find a distraction, consider one of these steps below. Just try one of these for me. Give it at least 15-20 minutes and if it isn’t working, you can stop, I won’t be mad :)

Journaling: Journaling is helpful when working through the steps of grieving. Many times getting our feelings out onto paper helps alleviate some of the emotional holds we are experiencing. You can write anything you want without judgment, it’s between you and your journal. Check out my post about how journaling can be a life changer, and in there I give you some journal prompts that will help you untangle some complex emotions you are feeling.

Support groups: Support groups are an incredible resource. I know many people don’t want to reach out to find a group or someone to share their experience with, which is understandable. Grief is a lonely feeling and it feels like no one knows exactly what you are going through. While grief is deeply personal and manifests differently for everyone, it is a universal human experience. An experience that many people are walking through at this exact moment, and many of them are doing it alone too. We all know how good it feels when we realize we aren't alone in our feelings, and support groups help with this. Whether it be a facebook grieving group or an in-person group, do me a favor and find one. Below I have listed some resources a few FB groups to check out.

Exercise: Exercise has become one of my favorite escapes. If you are familiar with consistent exercise then you know the feeling. But if you think of exercise and you want to vomit, just hear me out. I have been battling with my weight since I had my daughter, and that was 12 YEARS AGO, and I have started to workout and then stopped, and then got back to it, and stopped and, I HATED IT!! Then I started again not with the intention of losing weight but to see how it makes me feel afterwards. I am a very anxious person and I when I started to exercise with this new mainframe, and couldn’t believe how good I felt afterwards. I felt lighter (emotionally) and more calm. I had a clearer mindset and was able to see certain things I was dealing with in a different, less extreme, light. When it comes to grief, exercise helps you sweat out pent up emotions and then allows you to reflect on how you are doing. Whether you go on a short walk outside, or have a gym session, I promise you exercising will help you feel better almost immediately.

Mindful Breathing: Mindful breathing can be a powerful tool for managing grief, as it helps calm the mind and reconnect with the present moment. When grief feels overwhelming, mindful breathing offers a simple but effective way to cope with intense emotions. Find a quiet space, close your eyes, focus on your breath, breathe in for 4 seconds, hold for 4 seconds and breathe out for 8 seconds. Don’t judge yourself for the thoughts that come to your mind, there are no right ways of doing this. The more you do it the better and more comfortable it will be. I try and take 5 mindful breaths every morning before I get out of bed and any time throughout the day I feel anxiety coming, I stop, sit down and breathe.

These are just a few tangible steps that will help you foster a more positive outlook and hopefully help you see there’s a light at the end of the tunnel.

As we covered earlier, your feelings, no matter the depth, are valid. Feel your feelings to the fullest, allow yourself to cry and grieve for as long as you need. Remember, in the moments of reflection and calm, try out these steps above with the intention of finding peace in honoring your loved one. You are not alone, I am here sending love and praying that you will find solace in your grief journey knowing you are supported and you will find you again.

If you have any questions or there is anything you would like me to post about, let me know in the comments! Thanks :)

Additional Resources

Books: