It’s Not Your Fault: Navigating Guilt and Regret in Grief
I always like to start off by reminding you that you are not alone. You are not alone in your feelings of guilt and regret throughout your grief journey.
Your feelings of “I wish I would have spent more time with them” or “I wish I would have said I love you before I left today” or “ I regret all the years we were estranged”. These feelings are normal. Hear me when I tell you, they are normal. We all feel them. Our brains are wired to feel deeply. They are wired to dissect our emotions, but sometimes they go so deep that we focus on negative thoughts, regardless of how it makes us feel. Of course, we are going to have guilt or regret after a loved one passes, although as normal as those feelings are, they don’t serve us. They don’t support us in our healing process.
As hard as it sounds, healing is the goal. Healing in the sense of being able to wake up every morning and be the best version of ourselves we can be that day. The goal is not to forget or move on. The goal is to heal and learn how to live with our new normal. Right now that normal seems dark and lonely. But I want you to know that eventually you will see a brighter normal. Through daily practices and reflections, you WILL get to a point of acceptance and be able to see a glimmer of light at the end of your journey.
My intention in this post is to provide you with hope. Hope that you will survive this horrible loss. I understand that by the end of this post you won’t be healed, or you won’t be in a place of full acceptance. However, I am hoping that you will see in yourself that there is the possibility of healing. We cannot put a time frame on our grief. We can not expect ourselves to be “okay” in a year or two. All we can do is take one step at a time just to get us to a place where we are 1% better tomorrow. And if the next day we feel 2% worse, then we will keep working to help us get back up and move forward.
Everyone processes grief differently, but what we all have in common is that we have lost a huge piece of ourselves. And that makes us all on the same team.
Guilt and Regret: Emotionally Tied to Grief
Guilt can manifest in feelings of 'unfinished business' or 'what-ifs' throughout our grief journey. In my opinion guilt is the worst emotion you can feel after a loss. We constantly think about all the times we think we could have been better, and we try and justify why we weren't. We wonder if things would be different if we would have just stayed, or spent more time, or focused on them more. But the fact of the matter is, none of that would have changed anything. We did the best we could in those moments and it doesn’t serve us to continue to blame ourselves. Are there times we could have done better? Yes. Are there times we could not have been so mean or not stayed away for so long, or focused more on helping them than we did? Yes, most likely there are. But no one is perfect. No situation or family or relationship is perfect. We are human and as humans we do our best. It’s ok to reflect on the memories, good or bad, but when we notice we are turning toward self-blame, that is when the damage gets worse.
** If you are in a period of guilt in your grief journey, grab a piece of paper, and write a letter to your lost loved one. Whether you believe they are listening or not, write a letter to them apologizing for all the things you feel you could have done better. Tell them all the things you wish you would have said. Remind them that no matter what happens, they will always be missed and they will always be in your heart. As the days go by we will continue to praise them and talk to them and you will always, ALWAYS love them.
Write whatever else comes to mind. Even if you have some traumas that were not worked out before they passed. Tell them about them. You are not hurting their feelings or giving them guilt, you are telling them exactly how you feel. Wouldn’t you want someone to tell you?
In doing this exercise, you will see that some of that heaviness starts to fade. You start to feel clearer, and at peace for being able to get it all out. I truly believe they hear you. And if we could hear them, they would be telling us “thank you” and they “love you”. You can keep this copy for yourself to read when you get down, or safely burn it. The act of burning the letter helps us release attachments to certain emotions. It allows us to release the emotion of guilt and anger, and we ultimately take a huge step forward in our journey. I’m proud of you :)
The Impact of Holding on to Guilt and Regret
Holding onto our guilt and regret not only manifests as emotional symptoms, but it also can manifest into physical symptoms. Most commonly felt physical symptoms from holding onto guilt and regret:
Fatigue and low energy, showing up as chronic exhaustion and lack of motivation
Muscle tension and pain throughout our body
Digestive issues: nauseous, upset stomach, diarrhea or constipation
Sleep disturbances leave us feeling even worse in the morning
Weakened immune system from chronic stress
Appetite changes: overeating or loss of appetite
Headaches or migraines
Shortness of Breath tied to the anxiety you are feeling from the guilt or regret
Skin issues: acne, eczema, hives due to emotional stress
There are even more physical symptoms that can manifest than these above, if you can believe it. At the moment we may think it doesn’t matter because nothing seems to matter anymore, but prolonged unprocessed emotions can lead to symptoms that can’t be reversed. Acknowledging these symptoms and their connection to unresolved emotions is a crucial step in your healing journey.
If we don’t develop practices like mindfulness, therapy, journaling, or speaking to someone who understands grief can help release the emotional burden and alleviate the physical effects.
It’s Not Your Fault: Unburdening the Guilt
Remember when I said above that we are only human and we are not perfect? Well I meant it. We tend to have an illusion that we can control outcomes in hindsight. What I mean by this is we tend to look back on a situation and convince ourselves that we should have predicted or prevented the outcome, even when it was impossible to foresee or control at the time. This manifests into self-blame, guilt and regret. Do any of these sound familiar; “If only I had done (xyz), this wouldn’t have happened”, “Why didn’t I see the signs? I could have done something”, “I should have tried harder to help them”?
We feel this guilt because as humans we tend to overestimate our ability to influence outcomes, especially in situations where we feel powerless, like a death of someone. Grief also magnifies our self-critical thoughts, and blaming ourselves may be easier than confronting the reality of the loss. Sometimes we have a deep desire to make amends, and guilt or regret may arise as a way of holding ourselves accountable, even when doing so is unfair.
Prolonged guilt leaves us feeling responsible for something we could not change. We end up feeling shame and as a failure, and we constantly replay our past decisions and “what-ifs”. All of this can stall the healing process and leave us stuck.
It is time to realize that you are human and again, you are not perfect. None of us are. We cannot change anything that happens, all we can do is our best everyday.
Self-compassion and forgiveness is the most crucial step we can take in our grief journey. Relieving ourselves from our guilt and regret is necessary and will help push you to the next steps. Here’s how:
To implement self-compassion first we need to acknowledge and accept our feelings. Allow yourself to feel guilt, regret or blame without judgment. Name the emotions in the letter you wrote or in a journal. Say or write down “I feel guilty because…” Acceptance is the first step towards healing and letting go of the hold these feelings have on you.
Next, reframe your role in the situation. Journal or think about the circumstances leading up to the loss. Answer, what was truly within my control, and what wasn’t in my control? This helps you separate responsibility from unrealistic expectations. You likely did your best with the information, tools and emotions you had at the time.
Practice self-compassion. Speak to yourself as you would your best friend. This time write a letter to yourself, offering understanding and empathy. Tell yourself that you see how much you care and how much you wish you could have done more. But you couldn’t have predicted the outcome, and you are human, doing the best you could in a hard situation.
Other strategies for releasing guilt and regret:
Journaling: I harp on this ALOT. Because it’s one of the most rewarding practices you can adopt, especially while going through a grief journey. Research shows that journaling helps reduce anxiety and PTSD. It’s a special feeling to be able to get your feelings out on paper and instantly feel lighter. Topics to explore while journaling:
What you feel guilty about
What you wish you had done differently
Why you now understand and forgive yourself
Release through rituals. Sometimes creating a symbolic act helps let go of guilt. Try writing down your regrets and burning or tearing up the paper. Or saying aloud, “I forgive myself. I release this burden.”
Affirmations for forgiveness are hugely beneficial. Try repeating affirmations daily, such as:
“I am human, and it’s okay to make mistakes.”
“I did the best I could with what I knew at the time.”
“I forgive myself and choose to let go of the blame.”
Seek support by reaching out to a close friend or someone that has gone through their own grief journey. Find a support group around you or online. My favorite is therapy. I LOVE therapy because it is a non-judgement zone, and therapists have seen people way crazier than me, so I don’t feel so bad crying all over their couch. Check out my blog on why therapy is everything!
As we bring everything we learned in this article, the one thing I want you to take from here is, you are human. It is normal to feel guilt and regret in your grief journey. Everyone has experienced it, you are not alone. Trust in yourself to work through your grief journey and know I am always by your side. Thank you for trusting me with one of the hardest times of your life. You got this!
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